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Testimony, Paul Mitchell
"...in school, I was rejected by the other boys and subjected to a lot of name calling, such as "sissy" and "fag". I learned to protect myself by avoiding them or using my "sharp" tongue to put the other boys down."
Hi, I'm Paul. I am a Christ follower who struggles with homosexuality. I had allowed myself to be used by men because I desperately needed their affirmation, but I hated myself and what I was doing. I believed that God had made me gay just so he could cruelly send me to hell. Instead, He showed me that he had something better for my life. God says in His word, "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." And He did!
I grew up on a chicken farm with my parents and four older brothers. My family hardly ever expressed emotions (except for the occasional outburst of anger) nor did we talk about our feelings. "I love you" (or even "I like you") were not words ever used in our household. Otherwise, I was well taken care of.
When I began going to school, I immediately did not "fit in" - especially in the area of sports or any kind of physical contact that boys enjoy. Instead, I preferred reading and studying. So, in school, I was rejected by the other boys and subjected to a lot of name calling, such as "sissy" and "fag". I learned to protect myself by avoiding them or using my "sharp" tongue to put the other boys down. As you can imagine, this just made things worse. In the end, rejection was my defense - the boys rejected me so I rejected them.
A highlight in my life came when a new minister moved into the area, and his son invited me to a children's retreat. It was there that I first learned about Jesus and God's love for me. A few days later, while doing my farm chores, I was thinking a lot about what I had heard at the retreat. And it was there, in the middle of one our barns with chickens running around me, that I accepted Christ as my Savior. From that time on I have always had a feeling that "something" was in me. That "something" throughout my life has given me a sense of right and wrong. I started going to church for a few years but then fell away as I entered my teen years.
My teenage years were very tough. I continued to be unpopular. I hated the time in between classes because besides being called names, I would get pushed and shoved in the hall and I could never use the restroom for fear of being picked on. While I couldn't understand it, even as I rejected the other boys I had a physical attraction to them. I tried to deny having these feelings.
My relationship with my father had become strained as I got older. He spent less time with me and seemed to have no interest in me. At one point he got angry with me for having my hair curled, and he told me I was no longer his son. From that time on, I really wasn't his son anymore. All I can think was that he thought I was gay and I was an embarrassment to him. Several times I tried to get his advice on something but he would just walk away. He rejected me, so I rejected him. A theme was developing in my life. In the future I would start to reject men before they even knew me because I was sure they would reject me as not being man enough or they would be disgusted if they were to find out about my same sex attractions.
In college, I met Ginny, a very devoted Christian woman, who would later become my wife. We became very close friends and as my feelings for her grew, I wanted her to like me too. So I started to go to church with her and do all the things a Christian should do. I also figured this would help "cure" my problem of attraction to men. Soon after graduation we were married.
Our marriage was great - we both had good jobs, a nice house, and we traveled around the world for vacations. It was also good spiritually as we found a church that really focused on developing a real and meaningful relationship with God. About ten years into it, our marriage started having problems. Ginny was focused on her health problems and was having a lot of fear because the doctors weren't able to help her. I was picking up more and more of the family (and emotional) workload and resented it and her. Neither of us was communicating with each other.
I think the devil took advantage of this time as my thoughts and feelings of same sex attraction increased to the point where I could no longer ignore or deny them - however, I still did not act on them. Instead I went to several of my pastors to explain what was going on. Each one seemed uncomfortable but they would listen to me, say a prayer and usher me out the door. Nothing more was said about it, no follow-up, no counseling, no prayer, no nothing - I was ashamed and embarrassed. I became very angry with the church and stopped attending. I concluded that God must not care about me either.
We moved to a new city. At my new job, I began working with a man who was a lot of fun to be around. He had a quick wit, was smart and everyone enjoyed working with him. We worked closely together and became friends, even socializing after work. One day he told me about a sexual experience he had with a man which shocked me since he had a wife and two kids. He was a popular person and I wanted to be liked by him. I think he was testing me and I apparently passed the test as this began my active involvement in a homosexual relationship that would last for about six months.
I thought being gay was the fix for all my hurts in life and that I could now be happy. I decided to divorce Ginny and live my life as a gay man. Almost immediately upon moving out, I returned to going to church - something I hadn't done for years. In this case it was a gay and lesbian church. There, I could be a Christian and gay too! No more guilt feelings! At this church I found a lot of other men that I could be comfortable with, be friends with and share spiritual things with too.
That feeling of finally finding the answer didn't last long. Something in me resisted what this church was teaching and how I was living. I became very depressed as I could not reconcile God's views on sexuality and what I was experiencing in this area. Maybe God was mean and created me gay just so he could send me to hell. This downhill slide continued until I tried to commit suicide. This resulted in several hospital stays and taking lots of psychiatric medications.
After a few more years of this and several failed gay relationships, I finally had had enough and surrendered to God. I told Him that I knew I had done wrong and His ways were the right ways and I wanted to come back to Him. He accepted me!!
Calling out to God was the easy part - walking out my recovery was much more difficult. God provided help through Pastor Lee of His Way Out Ministries and through my new church home, Olive Knolls Church.
At His Way Out Ministries I began to understand the reasons for my same sex attractions and how legitimate needs for affirmation from men can become sexualized and lead me astray. I also learned what it means to have our hope in God. That doesn't necessarily mean that our life will be easier or that all of our problems are fixed the way we want them to be, but it does mean that we can have a sense of peace in the midst of it all.
So what has recovery looked like for me over the last three and a half years? It has meant talking to others in support groups about the things I've done, my thoughts and my feelings. I had gotten so good at "burying" these things, that I almost couldn't unbury them. But God knew them and a Proverb states "The Lord gave us mind and conscience, we cannot hide from ourselves." Many of these were things that were very shameful and embarrassing to me and at first it was very difficult to share them. However, in revealing myself, I learned two things. First, I usually make too big a deal of things that really aren't that significant, and second, my fears are often unfounded - especially my fears of men.
This journey has helped me to repair one of the most significant relationships in my life, with Ginny, my former wife. I had cheated on her, discounted her physical problems and looked for an opportunity to walk out on her when things got tough. Recovery has meant making amends for these harmful and hurtful things I had done. We had to talk about the hidden things and bring them out in the light - no matter how embarrassing or shameful. This was necessary for my recovery and for hers as well. The blessing is that we are now very good friends, which is how we started our marriage. And who knows, maybe God isn't finished yet.
Not everything has been great. I still sometimes have same sex thoughts and feelings that I don't want and I still occasionally struggle with depression which causes me to back away from everyone and all activities.
The last three and a half years have had its ups and downs but I am learning how to praise God for the "ups" and how to pray to Him for strength during the "downs." I'll end with this a verse that I believe sums up what God does for us during our recovery, "...he will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair."
Paul Mitchell
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