Testimony, R.G.

"For 18 years I struggled with bi-sexuality; at times I was successful for periods of six months. But because I continued masturbating and feeding my mind on gay and lesbian pornography, I always ended up back in gay sexual immorality."

I grew up in a quasi-religious home environment, which included church attendance in a variety of Christian denominations. Our attendance usually never lasted more than one year in any particular church. I call my upbringing quasi-religious, because there was another aspect of our family life - family naturism or nudism. We lived close to a nudist resort, just east of San Diego. On Saturdays we'd spend all day at the nudist camp and on Sundays we went to church.

As a young child I didn't think anything about this duplicitous lifestyle that we were living. I do remember that I never discussed with classmates at school or with neighbors about our Saturday activities. I also remember playing doctor games with other boys who were a couple of years older than I. It all seemed innocent and fun at the time.

My father was a general contractor who built schools and office complexes in the San Diego area back in the '50s and '60s. He had his own office, as a small child, I used to go with him to the office. I remember nude centerfolds hanging on the walls and pornographic magazines inside the desk drawers. He had no objection to his young sons looking at his magazines. One time he kissed and hugged his married secretary in front of me. Years later he told me that he'd had an adulterous relationship with her.

When I was ten years old, my parents divorced and my mother took my brothers and I back to Wisconsin to live with her parents. My maternal grandmother was an extremely domineering person; my maternal grandfather was an atheist, who was aloof to my brothers and I.

After we moved to Wisconsin, my brothers and I started attending a small Baptist church. While my grandparents weren't religious, they made sure we went to church - primarily so they could relax by themselves on Sundays. When I was 18 I repented of my sins and invited Jesus Christ into my life as Lord and Savior.

At age 19, I joined the U.S. Coast Guard and continued my walk in Jesus. For the next three years from my initial time of conversion at age 18, I experienced a period of growth and maturity in Christ. I was still a virgin, not involved in alcohol, drugs, or immorality of any kind. Alcohol, drugs, and immorality were rampant at the overseas base I was stationed at from 1973 to 1975. At the age of 21, while in the last six months of my tour at the overseas location, I had an extremely bitter experience with a so-called Christian friend who I'd helped get a civilian job on the base. This person had always gone from job to job, because in her words, she was always being persecuted for her Christian faith. I was too young and naive to see a red warning flag about the true character of this person.

The apostle Paul wrote to the Roman church saying: "...make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way" (Romans 14:13 NIV). We can actually cause people to fall away from Christ when we treat them in an un-Christlike manner. The extreme bitterness and hatred that I developed towards this person was the root cause of my backsliding. The writer of Hebrews wrote: "See to it that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." (Hebrews 12:15). Bitterness always causes us trouble and hinders us in our spiritual walk.

My falling away resulted in my losing my virginity to a prostitute in a house of prostitution. The last few months of my overseas tour were filled with frequent visits to prostitutes and adult (pornographic) movie theaters. I also had two girl friends that I had frequent sex with at this overseas location. Eventually I was transferred back to the U.S. and, after a short period of time, I started going to a Pentecostal church. Shortly after I came back to the states, I developed a venereal disease from the sexual brokenness experiences I had while overseas. I sought counsel from the pastor of the church I was attending. He advised me to see a military doctor, which I did, and he also suggested that I start masturbating to avoid future sexual immorality. Up until this time I'd never masturbated. In retrospect, his advice was like telling someone to snort cocaine to alleviate emotional pain from the death of a loved one.

Instead of helping my recovery from sexual brokenness, masturbation only further enslaved me to it. I found that I needed pornography to be able to successfully masturbate. So, while I'd quit having sexual relations with women, I was still going to pornographic theaters and adult bookstores. Over a period of a few years the excitement of heterosexual pornographic movies wore off. So I started watching both heterosexual and homosexual pornographic movies to give me a new kick.

At first, I only fantasized about having sex with other men while masturbating. However, as one thing leads to another, I began to have anonymous sexual encounters with men in the porno-theaters. By this time I was 28 years old and married to a Christian wife. I really enjoyed these anonymous encounters - but after each episode I'd always experience deep guilt. It says in I Corinthians 3:16, that we are the temple of the Spirit of God. Each time I violated God's temple, the Holy Spirit would convict me of my sin and hypocrisy. For 18 years I struggled with bi-sexuality; at times I was successful for periods of six months. But because I continued masturbating and feeding my mind on gay and lesbian pornography, I always ended up back in gay sexual immorality.

After I got into the roots of my struggles with homosexuality, I found three things which were negative influences in my life. The first thing was a genetic influence from my mother; both she and her brother were bi-sexual. Later on in their senior citizen years, they both renounced and stopped practicing the gay lifestyle. A second factor was the environmental influence of a dysfunctional family that went to the nudist resorts on Saturdays and church on Sundays. The third negative influence was the pastor who encouraged me to masturbate. These three negative root influences had me bound for many years - despite being active in church - and being perceived as an upright Christian by my Christian peers.

It wasn't until I got to the point of being sick and tired of my lifestyle that I sought help. Once I admitted to God, to my wife, and to myself that I was powerless over my struggles, I began to seek help. Help came in the form of an advertisement in the Bakersfield Californian newspaper about a ministry which helps people struggling with the issues of homosexuality. His Way Out Ministries became an oasis in a spiritual desert - a desert that I'd been hopelessly wandering in for too many years.

At His Way Out Ministries, I've learned that gay fantasizing, pornography, and self-masturbation, are not only sinful, but they also prevent healing to sexual brokenness. You can't be healed from sexual brokenness as long as homosexual fantasizing, pornography, and self-masturbation, are still a part of you. You must take these things out of your life before healing can take place.

Pastor Phillip Lee has taught us to plead the blood of Jesus over our minds when the enemy, Satan, floods our mind with erotic dreams and images of past encounters, past viewed pornography, or imagined same-sex encounters with people we know. I now know the meaning of being transformed by the renewing of our mind. The Word of God states: "They overcame him (Satan) by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony..." (Revelation 12:11). My prayer is that this testimony would somehow glorify Jesus Christ and be a help to someone else who is struggling with sexual brokenness.

R.G.